It’s easy to fall into the belief that we should all be the same, all follow the same path, all create in the same ways. Freedom is finding our own way.
On my computer’s desktop:
“Momentum comes from an accumulation of small actions, not from big, enthusiastic pushes followed by grinding to an unenthusiastic halt.”
I’m not sure where I originally found that quote, but it’s shone a great big spotlight into my soul today.
I realize that I’ve been depleting myself by trying to keep up momentum through an accumulation of slow, small actions.
Depleting myself… what? But it makes so much sense – of course it takes small actions to keep something moving, to keep the momentum from fizzling out. Big, enthusiastic pushes that grind to a halt create burnout, especially in the workplace, right? So, what gives?
Over the years I sought help to learn how to not be so “big, enthusiastic push”y. I was told how important it is to implement ideas with steady, smooth, conscious steps so I’ll never grind to an unenthusiastic halt ever again. I know all the little details count, and that I need to keep momentum going so I can complete projects – my own and my clients’.
I’ve learned a lot of tools that show me how to maintain momentum just like others do. I’ve taken the help to heart and made changes the way business coaches and mentors have suggested, always hoping to find a sense of greater ease within my work.
Even with all that amazing inspiration and information, no matter what I’ve tried I’ve failed miserably. With shame, I’d come to believe that something must be wrong with me and I need to change who I am because I’ll never fit into this ‘small actions’ way of being like other people do.
I’ve remained mystified as to why I continued to burn out, and have never felt truly satisfied nor balanced. All these other successful people are able to maintain steady momentum, why not me?
Why I never saw it before, I’ll never know… but there it is in black and white.
I’ve been trying to be just like the others.
Expecting myself to fit into someone else’s mould.
I’ve been trying to make myself work against my natural flow of creativity, trying to fit into a role that doesn’t allow for my type of personality. I am smothered by these ideas of what I “should” be in order for my business to succeed.
I have burned out trying to be something I’m not.
The truth is I am a woman of big ideas and big enthusiastic pushes. And I am also a woman of soulful introspection and deep solitude. I run between the two, rarely spending much time in the middle. That is my nature. It has been since I can remember.
And, despite the fact that it doesn’t run within conventional business tactics, there’s nothing wrong with me being Big, Enthusiastic Push Woman.
Let me say that again.
There’s nothing wrong with me being Big, Enthusiastic Push Woman.
When nurtured and respected, this part of me moves mountains.
When I am inspired into creativity in any area of my life, I am at my best when I start and finish all in one shot. I don’t move slowly nor methodically through the process. I immerse myself completely and deeply into it and emerge – in as much time as it takes – when it intuitively feels complete.
I adore every part of this natural, creative process. I become completely energized from the very first spark of spontaneous inspiration, when an idea dances into my soul with a great big, “Shazam!” (Because, you know, inspirations mostly come to me with a bang. It’s just like that with me.)
It is pure energy when I embrace the idea in that moment, when my pen can barely keep up with the thoughtflow erupting from my depths. (I’ve learned to keep notebooks around for these moments.) My hand dances in a flurry of scribbles, and I don’t stop until the thought has thoroughly expressed itself. I simply allow it the space to be free.
Once the thoughts are on paper, a surge of inspired anticipation of what I am about to create. I chomp at the proverbial bit to get started, excited and eager.
And then, into action I plunge.
I consciously prepare my creative, sacred space. Bring the tools I need into it. Collect whatever is needed, allowing intuition to guide me to whatever feels perfect in those moments.
And then, within that sacred space, the moment of diving in headfirst. The exhilarating jumping off point. Immersion into a sizzling, inspired creative world where I see, hear, smell, taste and feel nothing but Now.
Total, complete bliss of BE-ing in the moment.
Whatever comes to me and through me. Mindful and mindless at the same time. Completely BE-ing in each precious moment.
For as long as it takes.
I create some more.
I am in the provocative, stimulating flow of creativity – whatever that means in each moment. My expression moves outward, and I share into the world what I have to offer.
It burns hot in this Big, Enthusiastic Push. It blazes. It forges.
It runs it’s course.
And then, in it’s perfect timing, sometimes quickly, sometimes slower, the creativity winds down from breathless immersion to soft, nourishing landing into stillness.
And… it’s done.
Euphoric delight and deep gratitude for the amazing gift.
Impermanence: create and let go
I sit back and see for the first time the sum of these blessed moments. I hold it up to the Light, inspired and warm and thankful for connection with the Universe, and the ability to create in this beautiful, immense way.
And then, with gratitude and awe, I let it go. The cycle is complete.
I am done. I am ready to move on.
That is the process with which I have been naturally gifted. It is where my creativity and inspiration lives. It is the heart and soul of what I am here to offer.
When it is over, I move inward again for a period of deepening quiet solitude and soulful introspection, recharging and renewing myself with gentle BE-ing. For as long as it takes.
I am Big Enthusiastic Push Woman. I can’t help it. I don’t want to help it.
When I try to become a woman who moves slowly through the creative process, who enjoys the details, who creates at a steadier pace, I become depleted. That is not who I am.
I’ve considered my apparent problem with finishing things. I’m discovering that it is not necessarily true. I absolutely love finishing things, but at my own pace, in my own sense of momentum. It is only when I try to be something I’m not that my momentum grinds to an unenthusiastic halt.
When I am BE-ing in the moment, truly honouring who I am, my momentum floats to beautiful completion in it’s own perfect timing, leaving me (and usually those around me) feeling complete and whole.
How profound a shift, moving from “What’s wrong with me?” to “How can I find a different way of BE-ing in the world that will nurture who I am?”
I have wasted so much time trying to walk the middle road like “normal” people.
Bah. You can have your “normal”.
Onward my journey continues as the illusion of being stuck dissipates in front of my very eyes. I ease forward…